Secret Smile
by Ani-Coolgirl
Summary: [shounen ai] [oneshot] In purgatory, on the way to Heaven [or something like it], Axel contemplates life, love, Roxas, and Sora.


_Lea… Lea…_

Axel was dead. Definitely dead. Maybe. No, he's dead. He took 'em all out in one hell of a fiery hell-ball explosion. Those Dusks could kiss his scrawny ass. Well, actually, they wouldn't, because that hell-ball explosion completely drained him. To the point of dying. Oh, fuck he _was_ dead!

_Lea, Lea…_

He wished whoever was calling would just shut the hell up because it was giving him a headache and his name was not Lea! His name was Axel! Maybe. No, no, his name was Axel. That was for certain. Why did he die again? Damn. For all the times he said, "Got it memorized?" he must have lost a memory cell, because he was having a tough time remembering what the hell was going on.

So he strains his memory and finally remembers. He and the Keyblade Master, _the real Keyblade Master_, on the bridge of Betwixt and Between, where dawn, twilight, and dusk mixed up into one fucked up nothing world. He helped him, the Keyblade Master. Sora. But why?

That's right. Sora reminded him of Roxas. His lovely little bird, Roxas.

"_He made me feel… like I had a heart. It's kind of... funny... You make me feel... the same..._" He said that to Roxas. No, no, no, he said that to Sora. But Sora and Roxas are the same person, aren't they? Dammit, now he was confused.

_Lea. Lea._

"Shut up!" he shouts, because that damn voice is annoying. Why wouldn't that person _just shut up_? He was trying to think about Roxas. Yes. His lovely little bird, Roxas. He loved Roxas. Loved him with all his heart. Except he didn't have a heart, so he didn't really love him… except he did. Yup, he definitely loved Roxas. He loved his bright blue eyes, and the hidden smile that rarely breached his face, and the kiss tucked in the corner of his mouth. He loved his moody trips, and his angry voice, and the make-up sex. Because Roxas… Roxas was…

Sora.

"Oh, dammit!" He scrunches up his face in frustration, even though he doesn't quite have a face to scrunch up because he's dead. Oh yeah. Fuck.

_Lea! Lea!_

"I'll get to you a one damn minute, just let me think!" he yells back. Sora and Roxas were _not_ the same person. Except they were, because Roxas was Sora's Nobody. Which meant that Roxas used to be a part of Sora. Which meant…

"I'm in love with Sora?" he wonders out loud. Then he makes a face again. That's not quite right. He loves Roxas more than Sora. But that's not right either, because that would mean he loves Sora. But he doesn't love Sora because he loves Roxas. Right? "Oh dammit, I'm confused again!" Better start over.

He loves Roxas. He loves kissing Roxas, and holding Roxas, and screwing Roxas. He loves Sora, but he doesn't want to fuck him. Okay, that's not quite true, because Sora has very kissable lips and he reminds him a lot of Roxas, but he wouldn't actually _do_ it. Even though he kinda wants to. But he has this sinking feeling that if he did, some guy would come out of the shadows and slit his throat. Because Roxas would drift off into thought a lot, and when Axel snapped him out of it, he'd look around wildly for a moment and ask: "Where's Kirux?" before realizing there _was _no 'Kirux', and then he'd mope for a second and then seduce Axel into bed. Because Roxas was one hell of a seducer, and it helped Axel get over his jealousy of 'Kirux'. Whoever the hell that was.

Anyway.

So he loves Sora. But he loves Sora the way he loves Roxas's kiss. The one hidden in the corner of his mouth that he could never quite reach.

"That's it!" Axel exclaimed. "Sora is Roxas's kiss!" But then he realizes that this isn't quite the revelation he was hoping for, because if Sora was Roxas's kiss, the one hidden in the corner of his mouth, then that meant he'd never reach it and never will because Sora belongs to someone else. And there's the little fact that he's dead.

"Fuck," he moans in disappointment. Did that mean that Roxas couldn't truly be his because Sora was Roxas's kiss, and Sora belonged to someone else anyway? Somehow, Axel knows that this is definitely Kirux's fault. Sly bastard. But it was _his_ Roxas… he couldn't very well share! Stupid Sora. Why did the damn kid have to have a heart anyway? Couldn't he have just stayed a heartless, like everyone else!

"_You're… fading away…_"

But then Axel sighs in regret for thinking that. Because he loves Sora. Who, incidentally, is the same person as Roxas. Well, they aren't _really_ the same person. Because they had different memories. But if Sora remembered all those long, dirty nights with Roxas, then that shot his theory to hell.

"Wait, they're the same person!" he says grinning proudly. But he's not really grinning, because he's dead, but whatever. He finally found his reasoning that he could be satisfied with. If Sora and Roxas were the same person, which they are, then he could still love Roxas, because Roxas was Sora. Just because they were the same person, didn't mean he couldn't love the Roxas part. The part that he loved to pieces. Except he couldn't love, because he didn't have a heart, but when he saw Sora's sad little blue eyes when he was dying, he remembered that he had a heart with Roxas. And with Sora. He speculates on whether or not he kissed Sora with his dying breath. Damn this dying business: he probably didn't. Real shame too, since Sora had the most kissable lips in the world, which made sense, since Sora was Roxas's kiss.

So, almost completely satisfied, except for the fact that he probably didn't kiss Sora with his dying breath, Axel settles back and relaxes. Suddenly, he smirks wildly. Oh, he got back at that damn Kirux. He may get Roxas's kiss, but he got all the little things. _All_ the little things. The secret smile, and the angsty moods, and the angry voice. The feeling of love in nothingness that could never be reached with a heart, because that's just how hard it is to get to. He got the things that stupid Kirux will never get, because Roxas is _his._ Even if he is dead.

_Lea! Lea!_

"I'm coming!" he calls back, a little giddy and no longer irritated. He probably wouldn't see Roxas again for years and years and years, because the prissy blond brat had to go and become Sora, being the same person and all. But in the meantime, he could watch Sora and keep and eye out for that Kirux and laugh when they finally get together, because Kirux may get Roxas's hidden kiss, but he got Sora's secret smile.

* * *

Brownie points for anyone who gets the Peter Pan reference! Huzzah!


End file.
